More questions than answers.....

With each day, I find that that more and more questions are on my mind...about an assortment of things...obviously the question that every senior in college is asking themselves is "what will I do after graduation?" this is a question that continually haunts my mind and my heart...for so long I have been so sure about seminary...I would move to Louisville, live with the Brewster's, get a job at some little coffee shop or book store and take classes. With each day that passes, I become less and less sure of this "picture perfect plan." I have so many worries about attending seminary. I do not want to fit into this mold of a cookie-cutter Christian...to the depths of who I am, I long for more...for less mundane....for more radical..I am so concerned that I will sit a class 3 days out of the week where I will be surronded by godly professors, godly friends, godly teachings, etc. but in my heart, I want to be around the poor, the homely, the desperate and the depressed. I want to minister to hurting people and to people who have no idea who my Savior is...Can I do this in seminary? absolutely...will it be harder to motivate myself? yes.

Almost everday I go and read a blog (check it out: http://mermandlaurenmeetmexico.blogspot.com/) of two friends, MaryEllen and Lauren (they are a couple years older than me) that currently live in Mexico and have been volunteering their time for the past 5 months to an orphanage there. They live with the kids, help get them ready in the morning, teach them about the Bible, love them and live life with them. I read this site and long for a life like this. I yearn for an opportunity to wake up every morning and empty myself of myself. I am a selfish person. I know that as a follower of Christ, I do not have the luxery of remaining that way though...it is simply not an option and if I do choose that, I will be living a lifestyle of disobedience and commonality...2 things I fear the most.

How will these desires be played out in my life? will i devote my life to living overseas in Africa in a small village with no running water and electricty? Or will I stay here and minister to those of other cultures in the States? Questions that have always been on my heart but have recently surfaced more and the pressure to see them answered has been added by a recent development.

Please pray for me, pray for clarification from the Lord of what He wants for me. I just want to be at His disposal...whatever that may look like....

(Dad, I updated this post about the future for you, haha, unfornately it still has no answers to it..)