A Lesson from Hagar

This morning I was reading a story from Genesis that I am sure that I have read before but it struck me today for some reason. Basically what happens is that Sarah is frustrated that the Lord has not given her a child yet so she gives her servant Hagar to Abraham so that Hagar can conceive a child for Abraham. When Hagar does get pregnant, Sarah gets angry and "deals harshly with Hagar" (whatever that means!) and Hagar runs away. When Hagar is out in the wilderness, the Lord comes to Hagar and tells her that he sees her in her affliction and that he will take care of her and her offspring. Hagar praises God by saying saying "You are a God of seeing" for "Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."
To say this semester has been a whirlwind, would be the understatement of the year (trust me, you can ask my roommates as they have dealt patiently with me as I try to work through emotional baggage). It has most definitely been the hardest season of my life and I know that it is a direct result of where I have been spiritually. This year, I chose to be lazy...I chose to deliberately put the Lord on the back burner of my life while I went after things that I thought would make me happy, that I thought were ok. I knew what His word said, and I did it anyway. I heard him say No but I did not listen. I rebelled...and then I chose to as Derek Webb puts it "put Him on just like a wedding dress and run down the aisle" when it was convenient for me. I have pushed boundaries in my actions, thoughts and words that I would have a year ago not even considered. What has been so difficult through all of this is that even though I have felt this way, at the start of each day I still must put on a smile and pretend that everything is wonderful as always. My closest friends know my heart and the toll that this has taken on my spirit but much of my family does not...because for them, they do not want to see that in me..even if I am hurting, they would prefer the mask and so I comply. Sounds exhausting? It can be, but it is all that I know...
But then there are those that God has placed in my life that remind me of how faithful He is in all circumstances. Sarah Morris, my spiritual mentor and one of my best friends, came to visit me on Thursday. She and I ate dinner with a close friend Megan. We sat in Montana Grille and laughed but also cried just being completely transparent with each other of the dryness we have in our lives but at the same time the gratefulness that even through that, at the heart of who we are we desire the Lord. It was the most refreshing night of my semester. And slowly, one day at a time, He is restoring my joy...not for things of this world but simply for Him, for His word, for His fellowship. As this happens, all I can say is that even through this hard, dry period of life God is a He is a God of seeing and even though now I am not unsure of many things that I use to know, I am always confident of one thing and that is "Today I have seen Him who looks after me" and He is truly is beautiful. At His feet, there is endless forgiveness and redemption...

More questions than answers.....

With each day, I find that that more and more questions are on my mind...about an assortment of things...obviously the question that every senior in college is asking themselves is "what will I do after graduation?" this is a question that continually haunts my mind and my heart...for so long I have been so sure about seminary...I would move to Louisville, live with the Brewster's, get a job at some little coffee shop or book store and take classes. With each day that passes, I become less and less sure of this "picture perfect plan." I have so many worries about attending seminary. I do not want to fit into this mold of a cookie-cutter Christian...to the depths of who I am, I long for more...for less mundane....for more radical..I am so concerned that I will sit a class 3 days out of the week where I will be surronded by godly professors, godly friends, godly teachings, etc. but in my heart, I want to be around the poor, the homely, the desperate and the depressed. I want to minister to hurting people and to people who have no idea who my Savior is...Can I do this in seminary? absolutely...will it be harder to motivate myself? yes.

Almost everday I go and read a blog (check it out: http://mermandlaurenmeetmexico.blogspot.com/) of two friends, MaryEllen and Lauren (they are a couple years older than me) that currently live in Mexico and have been volunteering their time for the past 5 months to an orphanage there. They live with the kids, help get them ready in the morning, teach them about the Bible, love them and live life with them. I read this site and long for a life like this. I yearn for an opportunity to wake up every morning and empty myself of myself. I am a selfish person. I know that as a follower of Christ, I do not have the luxery of remaining that way though...it is simply not an option and if I do choose that, I will be living a lifestyle of disobedience and commonality...2 things I fear the most.

How will these desires be played out in my life? will i devote my life to living overseas in Africa in a small village with no running water and electricty? Or will I stay here and minister to those of other cultures in the States? Questions that have always been on my heart but have recently surfaced more and the pressure to see them answered has been added by a recent development.

Please pray for me, pray for clarification from the Lord of what He wants for me. I just want to be at His disposal...whatever that may look like....

(Dad, I updated this post about the future for you, haha, unfornately it still has no answers to it..)

the list.....

well, today I have nothing deep for you. This week school has pretty much drained me of all my deep, intellectual thought processes for the time being; so instead, I will give you maybe more of a surface level insight to my soul....important nonetheless. More and more each day, I am learning that I am a dreamer....an idealist....I live in this imaginary, magical world where I whole-heartedly believe that I am capable of doing anything in this world that I want. Caleb has on his profile a quote that sums up my life pretty well....it is from the movie "Amazing Grace" (amazing movie about the a man named William Wilberforce who worked for the cause of freeing blacks from slavery in the 1800's...watch it, you will love it) and it says "we are too young to know such things are impossible-so we do them anyway." I, like many, have a list of things I want to accomplish in my life time, some will stay on my list my whole life most likely, others will probably fade with time. either way, take it as you wish....

Live in Greece for a year
Get a tatoo
Learn to play the guitar
Take horseback riding lessons
Eat Sushi
Go skydiving
Work in an aids clinic in rural villages in Africa
Read all of Jane Austin's books
Live in the Middle East for a period of time
Learn another language....maybe 2
Try to understand the basics of football
Open up my own used bookstore/coffee shop
Go to a wine-tasting
Work, in some form or fashion, with Urban children
Learn to cook....maybe
Figure out how to pull off black nail polish
Read through the whole Bible
Pull off black nail polish, so far...no luck
Go to Israel
Drive to CA, on a whim, if it is planned...it doesn't count
Somehow get the Panera recipe for their French Onion Soup
Go camping on a mountain...for a substancial amount of time
Read all of the Chronicles of Narnia
Adopt a child from a third world country
Go to the Grand Cayon
Volunteer at an orphanage overseas for a period of time
Love as deeply as possible.....

Rainy Days and Lattes

Today, it is pouring down rain. As much as I love the rain, many times I am unhappy about it because it means walking to class with soaking wet shoes and socks. However, today I am at work all day and I have rain boots to solve the shoes and socks problem....so today, the rain is good, very good. It is, however, the rain that makes me wish I was in Barnes and Nobles right now, curled up in my favorite (and very soft I might add) chair...with nothing in front of me but a good book and a white chocolate latte.
On a different note, I have seen the Lord move in very big ways over the past couple of weeks. I have really been able to understand how big He is in comparison to how small I am. He is faithful, I am flighty. He is consistent, I am always changing. Jesus is doing big things in my sorority Bible study right now...I am seeing girls who don't know Him, seeking Him; I am seeing girls who have never cared about spiritual things take a interest on the eternal rather than the here and now; and I am seeing girls who walk closely with Him desire to see others actively do the same. To say it has been incredible would be a huge understatement. It has been amazing to watch all these things unfold and know that I have had a part in it and at the same time it has had nothing to do with me....and everything to do with Him. Girls will say very encouraging things to me about how Bible Study has impacted their life which is funny because those very girls have challenged me to love God more than I ever have before...they don't realize that it has been a mutual blessing. Even as all of this is occuring, He has still kept me grounded and humbled by showing me how incredibly weak I am. I thankful for this grace in my life....without it I am ruined...

Stillness.

I find that the closer I grow to the heart of God, the more I long for stillness. This is rather ironic considering that most of my friends and family would say that I am always busy....never taking time to just "be" Sadly enough, this is true....my day usually consist of class, work, meetings, homework, lunch/dinner/coffee with friends leaving little to no time of just pure stillness but instead constant movement throughout the day. I have several theories about why stillness is such a hard discipline for me to master. I am certain that when I take time to be completely still before my creator, I will not walk away the same....I can't. His voice is so impactful in my life that to sit down and truly listen to what He has to tell me will require change in my life...it will require repentance. I would much perfer an easier way of just waking up each day being more and more conformed into His image.....that is not the way it works, not completly at least. You see, when I am still, when I am silent, when I am attentive to Him, what follows is conviction, refinement and ultimately a call to die, to sacrifice my will for His purpose. Are these things at the heart of what I desire? Absolutely. Is it still difficult all the same? Yes.

Elisabeth Elliot says "I think it is possible to learn stillness--but only if it is seriously sought." I pray that I will not only learn stillness but that I would seek it....

I have given in.....

Well, it appears as though I have given in to the trend. I have officially become a blogger. The process of how this came to be is still rather cloudy to me. Even as an avid journalist at heart, I fought the idea of getting online for an extra and at best unneccessary 30 minutes a day just to pour out thoughts, feelings and emotions that many times would be better left unsaid. However, strangely enough, I feel as though the decision to jump on this bandwagon is far beyond myself.
Each day, the Lord works miracles in my life....sometimes small, many times big, but miracles all the same. I hold firm to His word and it is there I am told to tell of His work and His mercies in my life. Over the past couple of weeks, I have had the opportunity to read friend's blogs (many times while pretending to pay attention in my Islamic Religious Tradition class) and through that I have been blessed by not only reading about mere events in their lives but more importantly reading what Jesus is doing in their lives....both in the form of blessings and struggles. In this, I hope only to impact lives....some would say that is overly-ambitious for a simple online journal, I would say, maybe but without ambition, what are we left with?
For today, the explanation for the title of my blog "the sunshine of His face"...it comes from a favorite poem by a 19th Century Writer.....

"Beneath the cross of Jesus I fain would take my stand,
The shadow of a mighty rock within a weary land;
A home within the wilderness, a rest upon the way,
From the burning of the noontide heat, and the burden of the day.
I take, O Cross, thy shadow for my abiding place.
I ask no other sunshine than the sunshine of His face,
Content to let the world go by, to know no gain or loss,
My sinful self, my only shame; my glory all the cross."
-Elizabeth Clephane