A Lesson from Hagar

This morning I was reading a story from Genesis that I am sure that I have read before but it struck me today for some reason. Basically what happens is that Sarah is frustrated that the Lord has not given her a child yet so she gives her servant Hagar to Abraham so that Hagar can conceive a child for Abraham. When Hagar does get pregnant, Sarah gets angry and "deals harshly with Hagar" (whatever that means!) and Hagar runs away. When Hagar is out in the wilderness, the Lord comes to Hagar and tells her that he sees her in her affliction and that he will take care of her and her offspring. Hagar praises God by saying saying "You are a God of seeing" for "Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."
To say this semester has been a whirlwind, would be the understatement of the year (trust me, you can ask my roommates as they have dealt patiently with me as I try to work through emotional baggage). It has most definitely been the hardest season of my life and I know that it is a direct result of where I have been spiritually. This year, I chose to be lazy...I chose to deliberately put the Lord on the back burner of my life while I went after things that I thought would make me happy, that I thought were ok. I knew what His word said, and I did it anyway. I heard him say No but I did not listen. I rebelled...and then I chose to as Derek Webb puts it "put Him on just like a wedding dress and run down the aisle" when it was convenient for me. I have pushed boundaries in my actions, thoughts and words that I would have a year ago not even considered. What has been so difficult through all of this is that even though I have felt this way, at the start of each day I still must put on a smile and pretend that everything is wonderful as always. My closest friends know my heart and the toll that this has taken on my spirit but much of my family does not...because for them, they do not want to see that in me..even if I am hurting, they would prefer the mask and so I comply. Sounds exhausting? It can be, but it is all that I know...
But then there are those that God has placed in my life that remind me of how faithful He is in all circumstances. Sarah Morris, my spiritual mentor and one of my best friends, came to visit me on Thursday. She and I ate dinner with a close friend Megan. We sat in Montana Grille and laughed but also cried just being completely transparent with each other of the dryness we have in our lives but at the same time the gratefulness that even through that, at the heart of who we are we desire the Lord. It was the most refreshing night of my semester. And slowly, one day at a time, He is restoring my joy...not for things of this world but simply for Him, for His word, for His fellowship. As this happens, all I can say is that even through this hard, dry period of life God is a He is a God of seeing and even though now I am not unsure of many things that I use to know, I am always confident of one thing and that is "Today I have seen Him who looks after me" and He is truly is beautiful. At His feet, there is endless forgiveness and redemption...